I am Dana Spencer

Hello, I'm Dana Spencer.

That's obviously not my name

but it's who I am at the moment.



Here is Dana


And here is Spencer

Both of them have one of my dream jobs; animator.

However I'm not as good as them
and they're honestly not that amazing.

They are talented but they're not there.
Both of them have begun working for other companies.

At the moment I am Dana Spencer
Half way to where these guys are
but Dana Spencer is not who I want to be.
Dana Spencer is who I will surpass.
My name will be the leader of the studio
and my films will hit the big screens
and I will create what I want.

• If you knew me you would know that I ALWAYS listen to music and I, in fact, like too much music.  Too many genres and artists.
• If you knew me you would understand that creative was really fun because I'm actually really corny so poetry is right up my alley.
• If you knew me you would know that my favorite things to do are actually NOT play video games but Snowboarding, Surfing and Wakeboarding.
• If you knew me you have probably noticed that I am not exactly the most talkative person.  I don't start conversation, but once we have one going I can go for hours.
• If you knew me you would know that I am a pacifist.  Or at least I try to be.  I can't be the same little ball of rage I was throughout elementary and middle school.
• If you knew me than you know that friends are the most important thing to me.  Fav quote is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb".  I find it powerful that there are people who won't leave me and that they love me unconditionally without feeling like they are obligated to do so because of a predetermined relation.
• If you knew me you would know that I haven't gone to church in 4 months, cuss too much, don't really care about a lot of the rules that I was taught from the church yet still loves God because of everything that is here and given to me.
• If you knew me you would know that if I call you a friend I completely mean it.  Fake friends defined the first 7 years of living in Utah, and I'm not about to put anyone through that hell.

And one day you will see the name Jordan Jay Williams on the credits of an award winning animated film.

And that I have a friend who kinda looks like she could be my sister.

And that I have ridiculous faces on rollercoasters

And Snapchat probably should've been taken away from me a long time ago

I'm sad to see the creative writing class come to an end
but it won't change that I will continue writing
because once in my life I had someone who made me enjoy it.
Mr. Nelson, you've done so much for me and the writers paris this year, and it's been a blast.  I can't express my thanks to it's full extent, but maybe you can understand a glimpse of my thanks when I give you my journal.  Never would I have thought that I could just walk out into the school hall and perform what I had known for all of two days and only lasted 40 seconds.  It felt good to not worry.




I am Dana Spencer
but Jordan Jay Williams will come around someday.

Memorium

I remember the feeling of cold hands in a warm hospital bed

I remember asking "but what if she didn't want to go?"

I remember seeing the same condition affect a close friend.

I remember not crying at his funeral, and instead went into complete apathy

I remember hating life

I remember cursing god

I remember seeing my "friends" for who they really were

I remember secluding myself

I remember the temperature and the feel of the knife.

I remember a voice in my head.

I remember the weight of the words putting the knife down.

And because of that I can now say:

I remember my first time holding hands.

I remember the feeling of getting paid for doing my hobby

I remember smelling the cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning

I remember my brother shocked that I was a foot and a half taller during his two yea leave

I remember hearing "50 Ways to Say Goodbye" during my first time driving alone

I remember the cruise ship where I made 4 Canadian friends.

I remember coming back and seeing that the friends I had were the best people I had ever met

I remember gaining full trust in my friends again

I remember going to Lake Powell and dancing in front of my mangager to Carried Away by Passion Pit with my best friend and not giving a damn.

I remember when he told me that I calmed him down during a panic attack

I remember going back to school and not dreading it

I remember when I first heard Title and Registration and decided to become a better person.

I remember the New Years party where we played Just Dance and forgot that we were gonna watch the sun rise this year.

I remember when I stopped hearing the same tone in "I Love You" because I had trusted them.

I remember forgetting that because the "I Love You"'s from people I had known for 2 months were better.

I remember feeling as though I had gained so many friends.

I remember that half of them won't carry conversation with me anymore.

I remember spending Halloween playing Monopoly and still loving the people I played with.

I remember the first time I heard Hello My Old Heart

And Heaven Go Easy On Me

And I Have Made Mistakes

And Vultures

I remember when I cancelled on a month long plan because I was once again feeling unimportant.

I remember his face and how it destroyed me emotionally for the next 12 hours.

I remember when I was told that I was one of the most important people in her life.

I remember getting a job so that I could get presents for others instead of buying things for myself.

As horribly corny and stupid as it sounds;

It really does get better.

It'll be bad at times

You'll still experience heartache

But you can't miss the little things

Because to others

It might not be so little.

Heaven

Heaven was

the

huge grin on his face

The addiction

Of

Life with him

Thoughts and 

Memories of

His

Love

Fragmented

We often look at the heart as though it is singular

Alone

And ours.

A heart is not just a heart

There are chambers

And different pieces

That work together.

These pieces are given to others when their heart needs help.

And you get pieces of others when your heart is getting too small.

A heart is hard to take care of

And we often must give pieces away

Even though we know we may not get it back.

A heart is a heavy burden

But the heavier it is the stronger we become.

There are so many people who have caged up their heart

Let it be alone

And slowly let it die.

Too many zombies are among us today

Trying to take away our pieces of heart

And even the pieces that don't belong to us.

It's scary

But it's worth it

"Because nothing lasts forever 

Some things aren't meant to be 
But you'll never find the answers 
Until you set your old heart free"

My heart is scattered and fragmented

and I don't have all the pieces anymore

but I got someone else's

so I'll make sure to take care of it.

isitnatural

 

     Nature has a weird way of going about.  It's designed

for self-destruction.  And what is considered "natural"

constantly changes, and people change their own view of nature

when in the end there is almost nothing natural in our day 

to day life anymore.  Yeah, there are trees on our campus

but we chose where they went.

     That's enough of that, I don't want to get too

rantful(?).  I guess nature and I have a bad relationship.

There are days where I love the same weather I hated,

days that the snow is a beauty and other days

where it only prohibits my desire to be with friends

by blocking the road.

 

     Y'know, I like the forest.  I like how things

work.  It doesn't mean that Nature and I can walk 

together without one finding fault in the other and

exposing it to the world.  I know how Nature

holds grudges, and they know that I get depressed

with Winter so they set me up on blind dates with

him all the time.

               Is it natural to have scorn for Nature?

               Is it Nature that hurts me?

               Does Nature have many methods to do so?

               And why, oh why is it natural for some to

not give a damn while I give too much of a damn?

 

"I want you so much

but I hate your guts"

  ~ Landfill by Daughter

^^^

my feelings for nature summed up in a song.

Which heart

I am not afraid of death.

Death is the inevitable goal for all of us.
A goal that I wish to achieve.

I want to see the day that my life ends
and I can look back without any regret
and know that I've made a difference.

There is a death, however
that I am terrified of.


So many people are worried about the end
worried about the day the heart in their chest just kinda



...stops



I'm scared of seeing a day
that I'm too busy keeping the heart in my chest beating
that I let the heart on my sleeve lose its pulse
like the rest of the old dreamers, forgotten lovers, and thriving corporate business owners.

Yes I know I'm complaining

I'm angry at Paris.
And I'll probably be thought of as a whiny bitch after posting this but Christ was a martyr so why can't I be?

I think we can all agree that we know who the good writers are.
And Cornelia Boom is the idol
the new pop star
the prodigy

Now before y'all get crazy, understand this.

I LOVE CORNELIA BOOM.
She is an amazing writer
and I've read every post of hers
this is not about Cornelia Boom

She is the attraction.  She lights up the town.  She causes people to fall in love and wish that the moments in her little life would never run dry and we could reminisce in it forever.  But the fact is you can't see the same place everyday and call yourself anything more than a tourist.

It makes sense.  When you go to Paris you see the Eiffel Tower.  You take pictures that you'll probably never see again after you show your friends and family.  You try to take in the sight and marvel at its beauty because you might not get to see it again.  Here's the problem.

You are a resident

And tourist behavior in a resident is ridiculous.
So if you're gonna spend weeks, months or even years in Paris then make sure you get a chance to see the little cafe that is down a forgotten alleyway with its paint chipped and workers gladly cleaning the dishes from the only customers of the day.  They all deserve something.  The forgotten painters.  The weary musicians.  Those guys who have learned how to make themselves completely freeze, which must be a marvel because we never get to stop moving in our lives and these guys make a living doing that.

Give them all a chance

or two

or six

and please

keep admiring the Eiffel Tower

But don't forget that there are people who are waiting to be seen
people waiting to get recognition
that you ignore because you don't see the same beauty in them that is in the Eiffel Tower.
Look around and see the other people admiring its beauty
and find out their stories too.

Cornelia Boom, this isn't about you

This is about the tourists who have tricked themselves into thinking that owning property makes them a citizen that contributes to society.

When the reality is

If you stay inside your house and admire lights from afar you're fooling yourself into thinking that you've made a home when the truth of the matter is that you've made yourself a hotel with no vacancy because you fill the only room.

This is not about Cornelia Boom.
This is me pointing out the fact that somehow the people that stand right next to her throughout the week are completely ignored with no one complimenting their new red shoes or telling them that they have the most beautiful eyes that they had ever seen.

Yes I know I'm complaining
but I'm complaining for the others
because I'm content in my own being
but they may not.
I don't need your validation
but it would've been nice to have had when I felt a longing for it.

AllTheSmallThings

Let’s not take this for granted.

There is a lot for us to do that with.

There is so much       under appreciation in this world and it’s creations.

  Delve down deep into the small things and you’ll realize the small things that make it all worth it.  The person who you met a few days ago yet they still remember your name and made an effort that was greater than that of a teacher to get you to learn something.  Someone being specific in saying “You have a nice smile” or “you have beautiful eyes” instead of “You look hot” or “looks good”.  That you can make eye contact with some people and see that they smile at you as though they know that you don’t get it at home and so they send a small gift.  Forgetting your headphones at school and someone offers their own to you.  Or maybe that time you talked to the person you liked but its not awkward, its just simple conversation that takes your mind off of that test you took.  When you drive the same way each day but notice something new.  When for some odd reason you decide to be staring up at the sky and see a shooting star.  Being able to just unload all of your problems to your friends and they tell you that it’s okay or even to continue.  Seeing your friend be passionate about their interests and knowing that they have something that makes them happy that isn’t a significant other but rather something that is entirely 100% them.  Being able to make a fool of yourself and not give a damn because hey what do the kids that have always ignored you know about what you’re doing.  Someone telling you about something you did a long time ago that shows that they won’t be forgetting you any time soon.  Not being able to sleep because you’re so excited for the next day even if there’s school.  Reading another blog and finding out that someone you didn’t know at all has incredible taste in music and felt the same thing as you on the first time they ever looked in the mirror and smiled.  Having to cut a blog post short because you’re exhausted from having a full day that was enjoyable rather than full of homework and working to feel at home.

Steal this prompt.  Because hopefully while writing this you’ll smile just like you did when someone walking by went out of their way just to compliment you sincerely.  Just think for a second, because sometimes it’s when we feel for too long that we become the most apathetic.

Fears

I’m afraid of winding up alone.  Not because no one likes me, or that I’ll never find love, but because I never tell the ones I love that I do love them.

I’m afraid of being a bad writer.  I was late to make my blog look good so now I wonder if anyone will even really give this blog a chance.  I guess I need to rewrite that.  I’m afraid of people thinking I’m a bad writer.

I’m afraid that I’m going to leave High School alone.  I have plenty of friends, but they’re all going in different directions, and I’m scared of leaving people who I’ve decided are people worth being around.

I’m afraid of the words “I love you”.  Or what they have inside of them.  I love you has a commitment to it that I don’t know if I can make.  I love you has an air of security which I have absolutely none of.  I love you is linked to family which has never been important to me.  I love you is paired with “I’m sorry” after it took it’s hand across my face.  I love you is what I’ve heard my mother say the most, and I don’t want to be like her.

I’m afraid of not being enough like my father.

I’m afraid that you will look this over and not understand the gravity of what I’m saying.

I’m afraid of people figuring out who the writer behind this post is because of the words.

I’m afraid of getting my wisdom teeth out and not being able to control my thoughts around my parents and seeing their disappointed faces afterwards.

I’m afraid of the day that I’m no longer welcome to family reunions.

I’m afraid of becoming the untrustworthy friend.

but most of all

I’m afraid of the day that I can no longer be fascinated by a sky full of stars that I have a difficulty seeing the constellations in but understand the beauty that lies there anyway.

I’m afraid of losing who I’ve become.

why must I remind you?

Why do I have to remind you that you should get up on time?  Haven't you learned that lesson before?

Why must I remind you that Vanilla Coke and Parmesan Goldfish don't go well together?  Eat healthier; you promised yourself you would.

Why is it that I have to remind you that people actually do love your eyes whilst you criticize them for being too small?  Just take a damn compliment.

Why do I still have to remind you that your dream is an impossible one but that you need to go for it anyway.  I know you would regret taking up the family business, so DON'T DO IT.

Seriously, I need to remind you that you don't want a relationship.  Why do I have to remind you of that, you know that you can't commit.

Why is it that you need to be reminded that sometimes things just can't go your way?  And more importantly why can't you accept it like the adult you will legally be held accountable for soon.

Why can I not remind you anymore that you can be friends with whoever you want.  There are quite a few people who like you, stop pretending like they don't.  It makes their friendship seem like it's worth nothing.

Why do I continue to remind you that your parents don't love you.  It's not true; parents will love you unconditionally.

Why do I keep reminding you that people like you?  Maybe they aren't your best friend, and hell you may barely know them, but there are still people who like you.

 

Why can't I remind you that even though the time has past, it still happened.  Be thankful for the experience.  Stop dwelling on the past.  Get it through your thick-as-hell skull.

Why must I continue to remind you that you understand your problems with trusting people.  Now that you understand, shouldn't you be able to leave     it                   behind?

.......

Oh I'm sorry, this is supposed to be for you, the reader

or must I remind you that I'm

talking 

to

the

 ~mirror

Scoreboard (Done 1 year and 2 months ago)

All these fools keeping score
  We live in the bubble where everyone is a fool who keeps score, and thank goodness a song writer knows it too.  I started feeling like I was the only one.  Stop keeping score against me.  You won't convince me you're better.

I am rotting to the core it's what the vultures hunger for
  Just a reminder that vulture has two definitions

1): any one of several large birds that eat dead animals and have a small and featherless head

2): a person who tries to take advantage of someone who is in a very bad situation

How to make the most of it

• First, find your newest, most favorite, and most indie songs; it really brings out the angst that we have built up in high school.
• Think of everything that is wrong.  All at once.  Because no matter how good it is for you at that moment, something is still wrong.  Make sure to think of it.  If you don't this won't work.  Maybe even cry a little.  Hold on to a childhood plush that found a home underneath your bed where you used to believe the monsters were.  This starts it all.
• Now keep thinking about the wrongs, but proceed to find mementos of the rights.  A text from years ago, the first pictures on your phone when it was new, or embarrassing photos of yourself that got to facebook or instagram one way or another.
• Eventually you will forget that the wrong existed.  It's still there, but that's how the world works.  You've thought of the wrong, and then saw the physical evidence of all that is right.
• Trust me, I understand that the wrong is still there.  The point of this is simple.  See what was wrong for what it was in it's entirety.  After seeing the wrong in it's entirety, you can look to the right, and your brain is smart.  It will do the same for the right.
• Reminisce with anyone else involved.  Talk about the good thing that had happened.  This makes it invade your thoughts more than just seeing a picture.  Thank them for what it was.  Making others feel right is right, and so in turn you feel more right.
• Apologize for the wrongs.  Go back to the wrongs and touch them for just a bit.  Knowing that the wrongs are forgiven makes them powerless to weigh down against the rights.
• Hug the person.  If they're not there, then you had damn well hug them the next time you see them.  Every time you see them.
• If no one is involved in this memory, or you can't communicate with them, write a letter that is never sent.  Reading your own words can stimulate something similar.
• Find old songs.  Ones that aren't connected to the wrong memories, but that you just seemed to have outgrown along with forgetting the rights.  Remember what they gave you.  Nostalgia is a fun little drug if you use it the right way.
• Recreate the rights.  Become your old self for a second.  Even if you don't like the old you, they must have done something right for a moment in their existence.

By this point, you should have quite the nifty little feeling of euphoria.  Which is where we get into another important part.  Step 2.

• Take pictures.  Or get others to take them.  Make sure they're captured anywhere.
• Start a quote book.  Remember the day you started it.  Remember the days that you write people's words.
• Get Spotify.  They're good at finding songs that are similar to ones you already like.  Get a new favorite playlist.  Remember every word.
• Make new friends.  Don't ditch your current ones, that's stupid.  Just try something new; you may be surprised by the outcome.

Now you have record of when you felt euphoric.  Keep this, but don't dwell on it.  Wait until yet again your angst creeps out and decides that you are unimportant.  Then start the process again.  Feelings are fleeting; they come and go.  You welcome them into your home, and they may just walk out without saying goodbye.  Use this newly created record when the time comes.  Think back to your latest euphoric moment.  Your mind works through association, and thus when you think back to the last time you did it you will remember everything that made you happy then, and everything since then, meaning the more times you've done this the more power there is in it.

Sorry that you can't hear the tune

And now I can't recall

All the things that

You told to me on that dark, cloudy night.

But I think of it now as,

"we were wasting time

Holding back our fears and our thoughts"

Chorus:

You said "I wanna be with you"

But that won't change a thing

Because I don't love you and I-

No no no

That's not what I meant

When I said "that is enough"

Why can't you see that

That I'm not into you

Seeing you with her is not

Gonna make my head turn

You're a bitch and I'm

Happy I'm rid of you

You had it coming

Don't you realize

You get what you give?

It's too late, for you to regret it.

Chorus

Bridge

Chorus again probably

Leaving this song in the same unfinished state as two weeks ago because why not.  I mean, high school isn't over, and I still see this kid around so this story between us isn't finished either.  Let's hope that changes, because I want to have a kickass ending to this song.

Time; stop (or just fast forward to the part where it gets better, either will work really)

I'm not ready for this
                      for any of this

how can I decide who represents me
when I'm just beginning to represent myself?

I've put my pieces across too many places
and people
and any other nouns to think of
and I don't have time to gather them up again
before they take off with the pieces of me
and potentially to never again see

you're asking me to visit paris
                 but I just want to live here
even if just for a few years
                                                                 a week or two won't satisfy me completely.


I have yet to thank
                        (or apologize)
to everyone who made a difference in me
(and who I never should have made a difference in)

                                  y'know, father time, you're a disappointment
                         and you fail at being a father
                   because you won't stop and listen
              or let me reason
        but I guess I can't expect so much when there are the prodigies to worry about
     so I'll tuck myself in tonight
   and you can spoil the lucky ones.



I just wanted you to give me my time to shine....

Brick by Brick

It's not so easy to finish things just like that.  You have to go one step at a time before reaching your goal, which is something that people forget.  It's a bad thing to forget.  If we forget that we can't do things all at once or on the first try, we'll give up on the things we want to do.  Well, it's something I've done anyway, and I can't be alone.

I asked over and over for lessons.  Finally my mom signed me up.  The first brick.  I went every week, getting more and more bricks to build the stairs up to get better and better.  My teacher moved to a different state.  The brick stairs to piano expertise came crumbling down. 

I'm trying to learn piano again, but it's harder to build with real bricks than the Lego bricks that the childhood me was able to use.

If only

There was a time when we were good friends.  Best of friends in fact.  You were the one I would see first in a crowd.  The connection felt amazing.  People said you were tough and unable to connect, but I guess they couldn't see the heart that was always on your sleeve.  Your skin wasn't perfect, your voice was too low, your laugh borderline obnoxious, but it all added up to give me a feeling.

Not sure what this feeling is still.  It stood somewhere between talking to a family member who I haven't seen in months and hearing my soon to be favorite song for the first time.  Except it didn't take months, and it wasn't just the first time.  Over and over you captivated my mind and I enjoyed every second, even when those seconds detracted from my time with my eyes shut at night.

I remember your hands and the way they were in the fall.  When they were cold and clingy, and refused to lay alone.  When they would stroke through my hair and touch my face at any chance they got.  When they would pull on my shirt ever so slighty during a hug, as though I was someone who you wanted to stay with longer.  They could get into my phone because I didn't mind you knowing the most important day in my life.

I remember your cheeks in the street lights.  Mainly because we would go on walks in the cold, and they became the most beautiful shade of red.  I never told you I didn't like walks that much, but they were something you enjoyed, and watching that gave me that feeling of almost being at that concert we've waited so long to see.  I wish I had known what it was like to be with you during the summer.

I realized that you were the one I cared for the most.

If only I had the kind of bravery you have.  The ability to not give a damn what our parents said.  To casually intertwine fingers down the hallway or say "I love You" in the least demanding way.  To tell me my flaws and know that I wouldn't be offended since I knew that you didn't hate them.  To be willing to skip church to help me in my worst times, even if it meant your parents getting angry.  The bravery to tell me that you would share names with someone famous if you had my last name.

I'm sorry that I said that I didn't love you anymore because that was a lie.  I still love you like I love the weather right after the rain stops.  I just wasn't brave enough to say I cared so much that I couldn't drag you down with me.  We're still friends, but I've made a wall that is now unbreakable, even though this time it's me who wants to tear it down instead of you.

Things that bother me:

• Reckless Drivers
• People constantly texting on a date
• That I can't move out yet
• Having no motivation anymore
• Waking up and feeling like sleep never even happened
• Forgetting you have homework until you're already in bed
• That I'm not taken seriously
• That I can't get an iPhone 6 because money is a thing
• That I can't stand up for myself because when I did I was hit by someone I trusted
• I'm never as nice as I want to
• My mom
• My dad
• My brother
• That my aunt can't get married because of this conservative state
• How many times I try and fail
• No matter how much I try I don't like burgers much
• People who take promises lightly
• My nails going past my fingertips
• My inability to admit my true feelings
• That when my day is going well I go home only to feel worthless
• how America is land of the free but how that only applies to the straight white man
• That racism is still a thing
• That I have to type this on a phone
• How much I need to move out of this state doesn't compare to the money needed to do so 
• That I have no hope for anything because of all the times I've been let down
• The way that whenever I wear jeans my shoes untie themselves
• How I can get a 4.0 and somehow still displease my parents

This list could go on longer

And it bothers me that I can't tell myself to keep writing

Simply because I'm scared of someone knowing too much about me

Even when we're anonymous

Love is Fiction

Love is a construct.
It has no physical bearing in what we call "the real world"
there is no way to touch it
yet the only way to know love is by feeling it.

Love and I
we don't get along so easily.
We often bicker about who is right
and who I care to share it all with.
My ups and downs
my problems
my habits that I want to get rid
and the ones that I wish I hadn't.



My experience with relationships
are limited to two
and both of which ended of my own accord
so what do I know about love?

Love isn't exclusive to one.
Love can be in many things.
I love my friends
my family (most of the time)
my hobbies
the scent of rain
someone calling me by name
and singing at the top of my lungs in the car.

I love being able to lay down
with no stress bearing down on me.
Listening to a new favorite song for the first time
or watching my friends and seeing what it is
that they are passionate about.

Never before did I feel love
but I know that's different now.

Everyone has their reasons
and excuses and their
corny, cheesy love notes;
but I have solid proof.

I know that I understand love
because now I'm actually happy
seeing the face in the mirror.
 

LOLs and BRBs

I can't quite wrap my head around this whole "Stop using technology thing"
because that's stupid.

I think I speak for us all when I say that the Airplane mode rule in seminary
is probably the worst thing ever.

What if my parents call?!? What if my friend is having a break down?!  I NEED to know those things.

I'm sick of people telling me I'm on the computer too much.  Yes, I'm on the computer a lot.  Yes, I'm on my phone a lot.  Why?  Because I get bored.  Who doesn't?  I'm sorry, but playing a game on my phone is completely acceptable on the bus, especially when none of you want to talk to me.

"Why not just talk to them face to face?" Maybe because it's my friend who is grounded.  Maybe it's my friend who is sick.  Maybe it's my friend who lives down in Arizona.  You don't know who I'm talking to.  I'm not blowing anyone off.

Basically I'm venting.

I'm pissed that I'm told technology is bad
and that all that comes from it is
violence, sacrilegious humor and porn
or that I'm wasting away.

There is a point to where technology is bad
but what I'm really getting at is this.

Stop telling me to not use technology
it's required in today's world.
Tell us to use it properly.

Technology is GOOD.  I don't understand where this went wrong.
Some people used it bad and thus everyone does.
Some muslims are terrorists and thus be scared of muslims.
Some gays are flamboyant and thus they all are.

I guess this applies to more than technology.



And I guess I'm only venting because of grumpy old men at church
but I guess that works for blogs right?

Let's move out (of this state of mind)

How is life out there?
All of you fulfilling everything
while I struggle to know what everything is
and what it's all here for.

Humanity is a struggle,
a push and pull
because it changes so much
as time ticks on.

At one time slavery was considered humane
and at another striking a child
with a ruler for being out of place.

Technology was used for saving time
and now so much of it is wasting time.

But is wasting time really that bad?

Everyone has so many hours
there has to be time for fun.
Let's sit around and talk
about 

• life
• religion
• equality
• family troubles
• bad grades
• and other stupid things

but never really do much else.
Let's just talk and goof around
laugh and hurt and cry out loud.

Let's go see your favorite band
and maybe flip a bird at your old man
for a stupid fight that does nothing
because they'll love you anyway.

Let's go do mundane jobs
that have no value to us
because money is required
before we can do what we truly want.

Let's escape and run
to a state of mind
where no one can tell us
"your generation is lazy
and nature impaired"

Let's waste time
because we have so much
and that's fine
we have years to decide
what our societal contribution
will eventually be.

Because if we didn't waste time
if we didn't make a mistake
if we didn't screw something up
and yell and scream at people
and regret all of it later

then
how can we really say we're human?

You really want to know what it is to be human?


then
Start wasting time, and find out who you are
because human isn't a definition
but a state of mind that many of us
have yet to acknowledge and explore.



*Here's another song but I'm telling you now
it's explicit.... I couldn't find a clean version*

Color/Colour

The winters that didn't withhold color in snow,
or drown out my happiness in feeling of cold.
The time when I would look forward to school,
and play with my friends with absolutely no rules.
The palm trees that year-round lined the streets,
and the lines in the summer air from radiated heat.
When I could speak my mind and not feel mocked or alone,
be who I was with no feeling of being looked down upon.
I want the times to come back when I was young,
before I had decided that people were stupid and dumb.
When I could have a meaningful conversation with my mother,
without feeling like I've become some kind of monster.
I want to go back to when people told me to continue my drawing,
rather than pointing and laughing and constantly mocking.

The time that I speak isn't just a few years ago,
because my crayons have been laughed at
since this town became my "home"

My name is Dana Spencer

obviously not my real name, that would be outlandish.
It's two first names which is just silly, but I guess that's something you should know about me.

I'm sporadic, I'm lucky I get anything done and holy cow am I proficient with procrastination.

I've got an hour until this is due and NOW is when i'm doing it.  it's something to learn about me though, which makes it ideal for such an intro.

I can't tell you my name, so for now it's Dana Spencer, the one who dances alone and holds daily concerts where no one is invited because it's only for me.  The one who will probably complain a lot on this blog but hey, hopefully it's written well.

I am a creator.

I don't limit myself to artist, or writer, or author, because I'll create whatever I please, and the first thing you should know is I don't care what I'm gonna post.  I'm gonna post me, with my hair let down and head held high.

So don't expect shame from me, because that's not me.  You'll discover who I am for the next few months.  And that terrifies me.  But I'm gonna leap into this.  I'm gonna show everyone that I'm willing to be out of my comfort zone.