Fears

I’m afraid of winding up alone.  Not because no one likes me, or that I’ll never find love, but because I never tell the ones I love that I do love them.

I’m afraid of being a bad writer.  I was late to make my blog look good so now I wonder if anyone will even really give this blog a chance.  I guess I need to rewrite that.  I’m afraid of people thinking I’m a bad writer.

I’m afraid that I’m going to leave High School alone.  I have plenty of friends, but they’re all going in different directions, and I’m scared of leaving people who I’ve decided are people worth being around.

I’m afraid of the words “I love you”.  Or what they have inside of them.  I love you has a commitment to it that I don’t know if I can make.  I love you has an air of security which I have absolutely none of.  I love you is linked to family which has never been important to me.  I love you is paired with “I’m sorry” after it took it’s hand across my face.  I love you is what I’ve heard my mother say the most, and I don’t want to be like her.

I’m afraid of not being enough like my father.

I’m afraid that you will look this over and not understand the gravity of what I’m saying.

I’m afraid of people figuring out who the writer behind this post is because of the words.

I’m afraid of getting my wisdom teeth out and not being able to control my thoughts around my parents and seeing their disappointed faces afterwards.

I’m afraid of the day that I’m no longer welcome to family reunions.

I’m afraid of becoming the untrustworthy friend.

but most of all

I’m afraid of the day that I can no longer be fascinated by a sky full of stars that I have a difficulty seeing the constellations in but understand the beauty that lies there anyway.

I’m afraid of losing who I’ve become.