Yes I know I'm complaining

I'm angry at Paris.
And I'll probably be thought of as a whiny bitch after posting this but Christ was a martyr so why can't I be?

I think we can all agree that we know who the good writers are.
And Cornelia Boom is the idol
the new pop star
the prodigy

Now before y'all get crazy, understand this.

I LOVE CORNELIA BOOM.
She is an amazing writer
and I've read every post of hers
this is not about Cornelia Boom

She is the attraction.  She lights up the town.  She causes people to fall in love and wish that the moments in her little life would never run dry and we could reminisce in it forever.  But the fact is you can't see the same place everyday and call yourself anything more than a tourist.

It makes sense.  When you go to Paris you see the Eiffel Tower.  You take pictures that you'll probably never see again after you show your friends and family.  You try to take in the sight and marvel at its beauty because you might not get to see it again.  Here's the problem.

You are a resident

And tourist behavior in a resident is ridiculous.
So if you're gonna spend weeks, months or even years in Paris then make sure you get a chance to see the little cafe that is down a forgotten alleyway with its paint chipped and workers gladly cleaning the dishes from the only customers of the day.  They all deserve something.  The forgotten painters.  The weary musicians.  Those guys who have learned how to make themselves completely freeze, which must be a marvel because we never get to stop moving in our lives and these guys make a living doing that.

Give them all a chance

or two

or six

and please

keep admiring the Eiffel Tower

But don't forget that there are people who are waiting to be seen
people waiting to get recognition
that you ignore because you don't see the same beauty in them that is in the Eiffel Tower.
Look around and see the other people admiring its beauty
and find out their stories too.

Cornelia Boom, this isn't about you

This is about the tourists who have tricked themselves into thinking that owning property makes them a citizen that contributes to society.

When the reality is

If you stay inside your house and admire lights from afar you're fooling yourself into thinking that you've made a home when the truth of the matter is that you've made yourself a hotel with no vacancy because you fill the only room.

This is not about Cornelia Boom.
This is me pointing out the fact that somehow the people that stand right next to her throughout the week are completely ignored with no one complimenting their new red shoes or telling them that they have the most beautiful eyes that they had ever seen.

Yes I know I'm complaining
but I'm complaining for the others
because I'm content in my own being
but they may not.
I don't need your validation
but it would've been nice to have had when I felt a longing for it.

AllTheSmallThings

Let’s not take this for granted.

There is a lot for us to do that with.

There is so much       under appreciation in this world and it’s creations.

  Delve down deep into the small things and you’ll realize the small things that make it all worth it.  The person who you met a few days ago yet they still remember your name and made an effort that was greater than that of a teacher to get you to learn something.  Someone being specific in saying “You have a nice smile” or “you have beautiful eyes” instead of “You look hot” or “looks good”.  That you can make eye contact with some people and see that they smile at you as though they know that you don’t get it at home and so they send a small gift.  Forgetting your headphones at school and someone offers their own to you.  Or maybe that time you talked to the person you liked but its not awkward, its just simple conversation that takes your mind off of that test you took.  When you drive the same way each day but notice something new.  When for some odd reason you decide to be staring up at the sky and see a shooting star.  Being able to just unload all of your problems to your friends and they tell you that it’s okay or even to continue.  Seeing your friend be passionate about their interests and knowing that they have something that makes them happy that isn’t a significant other but rather something that is entirely 100% them.  Being able to make a fool of yourself and not give a damn because hey what do the kids that have always ignored you know about what you’re doing.  Someone telling you about something you did a long time ago that shows that they won’t be forgetting you any time soon.  Not being able to sleep because you’re so excited for the next day even if there’s school.  Reading another blog and finding out that someone you didn’t know at all has incredible taste in music and felt the same thing as you on the first time they ever looked in the mirror and smiled.  Having to cut a blog post short because you’re exhausted from having a full day that was enjoyable rather than full of homework and working to feel at home.

Steal this prompt.  Because hopefully while writing this you’ll smile just like you did when someone walking by went out of their way just to compliment you sincerely.  Just think for a second, because sometimes it’s when we feel for too long that we become the most apathetic.

Fears

I’m afraid of winding up alone.  Not because no one likes me, or that I’ll never find love, but because I never tell the ones I love that I do love them.

I’m afraid of being a bad writer.  I was late to make my blog look good so now I wonder if anyone will even really give this blog a chance.  I guess I need to rewrite that.  I’m afraid of people thinking I’m a bad writer.

I’m afraid that I’m going to leave High School alone.  I have plenty of friends, but they’re all going in different directions, and I’m scared of leaving people who I’ve decided are people worth being around.

I’m afraid of the words “I love you”.  Or what they have inside of them.  I love you has a commitment to it that I don’t know if I can make.  I love you has an air of security which I have absolutely none of.  I love you is linked to family which has never been important to me.  I love you is paired with “I’m sorry” after it took it’s hand across my face.  I love you is what I’ve heard my mother say the most, and I don’t want to be like her.

I’m afraid of not being enough like my father.

I’m afraid that you will look this over and not understand the gravity of what I’m saying.

I’m afraid of people figuring out who the writer behind this post is because of the words.

I’m afraid of getting my wisdom teeth out and not being able to control my thoughts around my parents and seeing their disappointed faces afterwards.

I’m afraid of the day that I’m no longer welcome to family reunions.

I’m afraid of becoming the untrustworthy friend.

but most of all

I’m afraid of the day that I can no longer be fascinated by a sky full of stars that I have a difficulty seeing the constellations in but understand the beauty that lies there anyway.

I’m afraid of losing who I’ve become.

why must I remind you?

Why do I have to remind you that you should get up on time?  Haven't you learned that lesson before?

Why must I remind you that Vanilla Coke and Parmesan Goldfish don't go well together?  Eat healthier; you promised yourself you would.

Why is it that I have to remind you that people actually do love your eyes whilst you criticize them for being too small?  Just take a damn compliment.

Why do I still have to remind you that your dream is an impossible one but that you need to go for it anyway.  I know you would regret taking up the family business, so DON'T DO IT.

Seriously, I need to remind you that you don't want a relationship.  Why do I have to remind you of that, you know that you can't commit.

Why is it that you need to be reminded that sometimes things just can't go your way?  And more importantly why can't you accept it like the adult you will legally be held accountable for soon.

Why can I not remind you anymore that you can be friends with whoever you want.  There are quite a few people who like you, stop pretending like they don't.  It makes their friendship seem like it's worth nothing.

Why do I continue to remind you that your parents don't love you.  It's not true; parents will love you unconditionally.

Why do I keep reminding you that people like you?  Maybe they aren't your best friend, and hell you may barely know them, but there are still people who like you.

 

Why can't I remind you that even though the time has past, it still happened.  Be thankful for the experience.  Stop dwelling on the past.  Get it through your thick-as-hell skull.

Why must I continue to remind you that you understand your problems with trusting people.  Now that you understand, shouldn't you be able to leave     it                   behind?

.......

Oh I'm sorry, this is supposed to be for you, the reader

or must I remind you that I'm

talking 

to

the

 ~mirror

Scoreboard (Done 1 year and 2 months ago)

All these fools keeping score
  We live in the bubble where everyone is a fool who keeps score, and thank goodness a song writer knows it too.  I started feeling like I was the only one.  Stop keeping score against me.  You won't convince me you're better.

I am rotting to the core it's what the vultures hunger for
  Just a reminder that vulture has two definitions

1): any one of several large birds that eat dead animals and have a small and featherless head

2): a person who tries to take advantage of someone who is in a very bad situation

How to make the most of it

• First, find your newest, most favorite, and most indie songs; it really brings out the angst that we have built up in high school.
• Think of everything that is wrong.  All at once.  Because no matter how good it is for you at that moment, something is still wrong.  Make sure to think of it.  If you don't this won't work.  Maybe even cry a little.  Hold on to a childhood plush that found a home underneath your bed where you used to believe the monsters were.  This starts it all.
• Now keep thinking about the wrongs, but proceed to find mementos of the rights.  A text from years ago, the first pictures on your phone when it was new, or embarrassing photos of yourself that got to facebook or instagram one way or another.
• Eventually you will forget that the wrong existed.  It's still there, but that's how the world works.  You've thought of the wrong, and then saw the physical evidence of all that is right.
• Trust me, I understand that the wrong is still there.  The point of this is simple.  See what was wrong for what it was in it's entirety.  After seeing the wrong in it's entirety, you can look to the right, and your brain is smart.  It will do the same for the right.
• Reminisce with anyone else involved.  Talk about the good thing that had happened.  This makes it invade your thoughts more than just seeing a picture.  Thank them for what it was.  Making others feel right is right, and so in turn you feel more right.
• Apologize for the wrongs.  Go back to the wrongs and touch them for just a bit.  Knowing that the wrongs are forgiven makes them powerless to weigh down against the rights.
• Hug the person.  If they're not there, then you had damn well hug them the next time you see them.  Every time you see them.
• If no one is involved in this memory, or you can't communicate with them, write a letter that is never sent.  Reading your own words can stimulate something similar.
• Find old songs.  Ones that aren't connected to the wrong memories, but that you just seemed to have outgrown along with forgetting the rights.  Remember what they gave you.  Nostalgia is a fun little drug if you use it the right way.
• Recreate the rights.  Become your old self for a second.  Even if you don't like the old you, they must have done something right for a moment in their existence.

By this point, you should have quite the nifty little feeling of euphoria.  Which is where we get into another important part.  Step 2.

• Take pictures.  Or get others to take them.  Make sure they're captured anywhere.
• Start a quote book.  Remember the day you started it.  Remember the days that you write people's words.
• Get Spotify.  They're good at finding songs that are similar to ones you already like.  Get a new favorite playlist.  Remember every word.
• Make new friends.  Don't ditch your current ones, that's stupid.  Just try something new; you may be surprised by the outcome.

Now you have record of when you felt euphoric.  Keep this, but don't dwell on it.  Wait until yet again your angst creeps out and decides that you are unimportant.  Then start the process again.  Feelings are fleeting; they come and go.  You welcome them into your home, and they may just walk out without saying goodbye.  Use this newly created record when the time comes.  Think back to your latest euphoric moment.  Your mind works through association, and thus when you think back to the last time you did it you will remember everything that made you happy then, and everything since then, meaning the more times you've done this the more power there is in it.

Sorry that you can't hear the tune

And now I can't recall

All the things that

You told to me on that dark, cloudy night.

But I think of it now as,

"we were wasting time

Holding back our fears and our thoughts"

Chorus:

You said "I wanna be with you"

But that won't change a thing

Because I don't love you and I-

No no no

That's not what I meant

When I said "that is enough"

Why can't you see that

That I'm not into you

Seeing you with her is not

Gonna make my head turn

You're a bitch and I'm

Happy I'm rid of you

You had it coming

Don't you realize

You get what you give?

It's too late, for you to regret it.

Chorus

Bridge

Chorus again probably

Leaving this song in the same unfinished state as two weeks ago because why not.  I mean, high school isn't over, and I still see this kid around so this story between us isn't finished either.  Let's hope that changes, because I want to have a kickass ending to this song.

Time; stop (or just fast forward to the part where it gets better, either will work really)

I'm not ready for this
                      for any of this

how can I decide who represents me
when I'm just beginning to represent myself?

I've put my pieces across too many places
and people
and any other nouns to think of
and I don't have time to gather them up again
before they take off with the pieces of me
and potentially to never again see

you're asking me to visit paris
                 but I just want to live here
even if just for a few years
                                                                 a week or two won't satisfy me completely.


I have yet to thank
                        (or apologize)
to everyone who made a difference in me
(and who I never should have made a difference in)

                                  y'know, father time, you're a disappointment
                         and you fail at being a father
                   because you won't stop and listen
              or let me reason
        but I guess I can't expect so much when there are the prodigies to worry about
     so I'll tuck myself in tonight
   and you can spoil the lucky ones.



I just wanted you to give me my time to shine....